Update.

I am going to be inactive for at least one week, maybe even two.

The reason? Well, school is taking away pretty much all of my time (in fact, I should be preparing a presentation right now), and  I was in school for about 9 hours and 20 minutes every day this week (yes, I actually counted)

and also, the Klausurenphase started on Monday, which is basically several weeks of written exams that are said to be very important (even though there are still 18 months left until my final exams and 12 until the “exam preparation phase”).

Every week I have to be prepared for three 2-4 hour long written exams – which is not even much, but still makes me feel terribly nervous, thus I cannot bear to get distracted by wasting my time on the internet like right now.

So far, I have finished Philosophy/Ethics and Swimming, German, Latin and English. For next week I have to be prepared for History, Maths and Geography, then Physics and Latin again – and also a long ad very important presentation for Seminarfach (which most teachers and students consider a class where you don’t learn much and kind of just spend your time doing nothing – not our teacher though, she takes it very seriously and has a way of talking to us about what we will have to do in order to pass this class that is giving me a headache, making me feel nauseous as hell and even fall back into the good old panic attacks right in the middle of class.)

You see, I cannot handle school particularly well.

The thing is that I am rather well-know for getting nothing but straight As. So if I do even the tiniest thing wrong, I get all those stupid comments from everybody and I am usually terribly awkward and anxious in social situations, so I am overly afraid of “failing”. Also, I am a perfectionist with an annoying problem of procrastinating, which makes all of this even more difficult. But back to the topic of me getting good grades: You see, as I am oh so good at school, I cannot tell anybody about how seriously scared and overburdened I am. I tried, so many times actually, but all I get are comments like “But you’re so smart!”, “Stop whining, at least your grades are good!”, “You’re so much better off than me!”, “Arrogant asshole!”, “Just piss off already!” or “Yeah, sure, whatever, you’re only doing this for attention anyway." 

Thank you very much, but no.

I am putting myself under so much pressure that I cannot cope anymore. I am emotionally starving, I am longing for relief, and that’s why I can’t control myself anymore. So far, nobody has noticed how I could barely stop myself from restricting radically to then binge and purge my soul out. Now, my body hurts so much that I can barely bring myself to get up.

I want to get help, but I have no idea what for, as an outsider probably won’t see anything problematic in me and for about half of the time I don’t see an obvious problem myself.

I feel very pathetic and I am so sick of this all.

I feel so pathetic I could cry.

Well, I did, but the feeling’s still there.