recovery – The Light in the Sky

I’m doing so fucking much and I’m being so strong and nobody ever knows.

Me @ myself: I’m so glad you never gave up, I love you

Same jacket, same place, vastly different mindsets.

Left: post christmas walk, 2015: empty, desperate,hateful and mercilessly critical, unable to think straight, heavily depressed, dealing with an eating disorder that started in 2013
Right: post christmas walk, 2017: calm, completely (weight) restored, (re)gained so much strength (!), still thinking about the ed, but honestly recovered with a new genuine desire for life and new experiences.

And they see me now, they really do, because I am there, finally,
I am radiant.

I’m wearing a tank top and shorts today – despite the fact that the fading scars are still showing – and it makes me feel proud and so strong.

I have found a less permanent coping mechanism.

I think the hardest thing about recovering is probably that in the end, you are all alone.

No matter how many people offer you their support, in the end, it all comes down to you.

Recovering means letting go of things that used tobe your daily routine – you cannot rely on them anymore.

Recovering means rediscovering yourself, at least for me it does. I won’t find security in my self-destructive rituals anymore. I am all alone.

While surprisingly, I have been feeling insanely happy for most of my time recovering, there obviously is this huge insecurity, like the one a child feels while learning how to ride a bike.

I feel insecure, but I know the outcome is going to be worth it, so I will keep going strong.

My old self is growing stronger and stronger and finally I am truly able to see myself again.

I am happy, I am strong, I am aware.

Even though I might have to go through this on my own, that doesn’t mean I cannot do it.

Alone does not mean lonely, for I have found myself again.