Schlagwort: personal

An addition: being called “one of the girls” or part of the girl group irritates me. I have never since I`ve known about my feelings referred to my group as a group of girls.

But I feel inadequate around guys, oh I do, so very much, although I feel like that around anyone tbh (especially if they are confident people).

I was not a “tomboy” growing up because that means that you are still a girl, only acting boyish (at least it did to me – I used hate the term and the dislike has lingered)

Gender crisis part I lost count

There are times, days when I feel like I can’t go on, when I feel like I need top surgery and hormones NOW and I’m losing time and nothing will ever be good until then.
There are days when I feel like I can take it.
There are days when I feel like I don’t want to try anymore and put on one of my two “feminine” tops.

There are days when I think it`s okay.

All those days happen in a cycle.
The dissatisfaction is always there, and sometimes I can deal with it a bit better.

I ’ve been asking myself: “Am I trans??” since I know that transmasculine people exist (which was only 4 years ago). I have been using they/them pronouns online for 5 years. It’s said that if you spend so much time questioning if you are trans you most likely are.
And I KNOW I am not, never a cis girl. I have never felt good about being a girl, or a woman.
But am I actually guy then?? Half of the time I think “YES and life would be so much better presenting as one!” The other half of the time I think “maybe I am just agender, maybe I am genderfluid, maybe I can stay closeted that way”. Occasionally it’s “Maybe gender is simply not important to me, maybe I just don`t conform.”

I’ve been avoiding German pronouns for ages. I’ve used a chosen name online (which feels good), I have used he pronouns online. It feels good, Sometimes I feel like this is who I am supposed to be.
But then in summer when it’s hot (I don’t handle heat well) I so often get tired of trying. I have never owned a binder and my chest is too big: not even two sports bras flatten it. Not wearing at least two bras of some sort is not an option, I get nauseous from the dysphoria (?).

But then I wonder: Is it actually dysphoria? Or is it body dysmorphia??
I have hated my body ever since I can remember, thinking I was fat and chubby and ugly. I have only learned to like it after I had lost and regained 20 kg. It is strong now and it gets me places. Yet I still try to flatten my chest.
And then I remember: The first time I had a crisis about my gender was when I was at my lowest weight, when I was 18, weighing as much as I did when I was 10. So maybe weight is not the key issue here.

And then it’s okay again. Then I think: Lose weight, and then you’ll feel good. Lose weight, become more confident, and you’ll be fine. My sexuality and attraction to women gives me strength and makes me feel like I could take it this way. 

I am writing this at a moment were I feel like I can take it for a while, where I am not as desperate for transitioning. 
Now it is just weird because I have not shown typically masculine behaviour so far (not feminine behaviour either) ((maybe I really actually am agender, but do I want to identify that way?)) – but that was due to bullying, shyness, depression, social anxiety, an emotionally cold and slow father and not very emotionally supportive parents (except for money) growing up. 

And just the FEAR, the fear of not being good, not being perfect, that has always stopped me from doing things entirely because I was so scared to fail.

In short: I I could snap my fingers and transition to male, I would, without a shadow of doubt. If I knew everyone would accept me (especially my father), I would not think twice. EDIT, 3 weeks later: Now I think I can take it, just loose weight, wear a binder maybe. Have a relationship with a girl (woman). Be more confident, focussed, outspoken, just better in other ways. Maybe I should not overthink this. I can take it right now.

I was tagged by @frankyiscrazy

Rules: List 10 songs you’re obsessed with, and tag 10 people.

(this would have been so much easier a month ago – I’m currently under so much stress that I hardly listen to music, so I’ll just think of last month or sth)

in general: Our Love To Admire (album by Interpol), anything by Arcade Fire, some stuff from The Strokes and Franz Ferdinand (thanks spotify), and I’m also getting back into some songs I used to listen to (hello Green Day, hi radio rock songs, hi summer alternative stuff).

songs from this spring:

Evil – Interpol

Pioneer to the Falls – Interpol

Live in the Moment – Portugal. The Man

Icarus – Bastille

Everything is Wrong – Interpol

The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness – The National

Battle Born – The Killers

A Matter of Time – The Killers

Deep Blue – Arcade Fire

Whatever It Takes – Imagine Dragons (great for running!)

to anyone who sees this and wants to do it: I hereby declare you tagged! (even if we have never been in contact with each other :))

I mean, I had expected Black Panther to be good, but since it’s still a superhero story I did not expect too much (not my thing… I thought!), but OMG!! I am AMAZED by how powerful it was and by how MUCH it has made me care about the characters and the WORLD shown

Sometimes I still think this cannot have been real. His death still seems surreal to me.

He would have turned 24 now. He died at 20, as the oldest one of us at that time. Now I am 21.

Now I am 21 and I am showing interests that he had and that I admired and I am not ever even thinking about becoming like him even though objectively it feels like I am sometimes, such as in this very moment, and that becoming of mine makes us, his aunt and his mother and me, all grow.

(Writing this feels like this is the most disrespectful opinion I have ever had about my family, and I hate myself for parts of this.)

It still does not feel real. He is just gone for a while, studying abroad, I tell myself sometimes, and sometimes it feels like that, but then other times it feels like he has simply never been there, here, with me. My memory of him feels like it’s fading. His voice is still there in my mind, but how we interacted… I do not remember much of it. I just remember looking up to him, aching for his approval, but I did not even know him.

His connection to everyone else is so real to me, but his connection to me has never felt like it existed at all.

Now an interest in films and TV shows and Fall Out Boy feel like his legacy to me, which they are really not, they are mine now, became mine individually, and I still cannot understand it all.