personal – Seite 2 – The Light in the Sky

Two bad photos of very low-effort self-portraits showing my attitude in 2017 (green and taken from a poor angle) and 2014 (grey) instead of my realistic face

Weird list of things that illogically feel completely unacceptable if I do them:

– talking about my negative feelings to others in a serious manner

– sitting in bed during the day

– laying down during the day

– sitting down when watching tv/ reading

– getting less than 20 minutes of exercise per day

– eating food that feels wrong in my hand

– that feels wrong for absolutely no reason

– eating pasta for lunch

– eating pizza on a normal day

– eating cooked meals

– eating normally

– actually being myself

– not being among the top 10 percent

– not being one of the very best

– getting something else than an A

– spending money on objects

– buying anything that isn’t the cheapest food

– talking to my parents about feelings

This list serves no other purpose than to archive for myself how weird and uncomfortable I feel each day.

Why do I feel so nervous, why do I feel so on edge all the time?

Why is this happening again? Why do I feel like I have nothing to live for again? Instead of taking the many opportunities I have, I just want to stay in my room and do nothing and feel even more anxious for no reason. I don’t feel like I want to make an effort, even though logically I do, and I want to! It just doesn’t work.

Why is this happening again, why do I feel so weirdly helpless for no reason, why am I just going through the days, not trying to build something, create my life? Is that why I am always feeling like an imposter, like a waste of money for my parents? Will there ever be some sort of love in my life, or any sort of meaning? Will I finally feel like I’m enough of a person and not like I’m guilty just by being alive?

I’ve been feeling weirdly tired lately, in the somehow-sad and spiritless way. It feels like I’m hiding in my room, but hopefully it is just because my friends from this city are not around currently. Still, it feels weird, I don’t feel like myself at all.

There’s no reason for me not to cut my hair short again. It’s not wavy enough at this shoulder length for me to love it, it would only serve as a hat substitute in winter, and I could get an actual hat for that. I’m just too lazy to decide on a short hairstyle.