I am/ have been getting more mature and that’s fine or something, but I feel so much less alive now and that hurts, but it doesn’t even hurt, I just feel dull most of the time.

It’s the last night home before I move out… for the second time in 13 months, this is so unreal.

I’m afraid of growing up, but it will be okay.

And right now it feels like my path is laid out in front of me and the grass underneath my feet is dying

But I don’t want to walk where the flowers aren’t blooming, I’m changing direction, I’m leaving now.

I had to ride my bike in the dark today and it got me hooked, like, completely. I’ve since been jogging in the dark, explored our garden in the dark and climbed the fence to our neighbours’ garden.

They have died of old age recently and ever since I can remember, they’d had this group of trees, weirdly shaped, crooked and home of a cat family when I was eight. So I went to those trees for the first time in my entire life and took a leaf as a reminder of my ability to go beyond my own limits.

And all of this might sound like nothing, might sound so trivial, but it almost means the world to me. A turning point in my life, everything’s changed in my head.

I guess that’s what they call growing up, huh?

six-year-old me in the video i found yesterday