Schlagwort: gender

genderislike:

gender is like trying on makeup. you don’t really know how to make it look good and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t make it look good. you have cheap makeup and nothing looks right and you have the wrong lips for that shade, your eyes are too hooded to make anything work, and you skin is patchy and wrong. everyone around you can do makeup perfectly, but for some reason, you are unable to do makeup

– anonymous

An addition: being called “one of the girls” or part of the girl group irritates me. I have never since I`ve known about my feelings referred to my group as a group of girls.

But I feel inadequate around guys, oh I do, so very much, although I feel like that around anyone tbh (especially if they are confident people).

I was not a “tomboy” growing up because that means that you are still a girl, only acting boyish (at least it did to me – I used hate the term and the dislike has lingered)

Gender crisis part I lost count

There are times, days when I feel like I can’t go on, when I feel like I need top surgery and hormones NOW and I’m losing time and nothing will ever be good until then.
There are days when I feel like I can take it.
There are days when I feel like I don’t want to try anymore and put on one of my two “feminine” tops.

There are days when I think it`s okay.

All those days happen in a cycle.
The dissatisfaction is always there, and sometimes I can deal with it a bit better.

I ’ve been asking myself: “Am I trans??” since I know that transmasculine people exist (which was only 4 years ago). I have been using they/them pronouns online for 5 years. It’s said that if you spend so much time questioning if you are trans you most likely are.
And I KNOW I am not, never a cis girl. I have never felt good about being a girl, or a woman.
But am I actually guy then?? Half of the time I think “YES and life would be so much better presenting as one!” The other half of the time I think “maybe I am just agender, maybe I am genderfluid, maybe I can stay closeted that way”. Occasionally it’s “Maybe gender is simply not important to me, maybe I just don`t conform.”

I’ve been avoiding German pronouns for ages. I’ve used a chosen name online (which feels good), I have used he pronouns online. It feels good, Sometimes I feel like this is who I am supposed to be.
But then in summer when it’s hot (I don’t handle heat well) I so often get tired of trying. I have never owned a binder and my chest is too big: not even two sports bras flatten it. Not wearing at least two bras of some sort is not an option, I get nauseous from the dysphoria (?).

But then I wonder: Is it actually dysphoria? Or is it body dysmorphia??
I have hated my body ever since I can remember, thinking I was fat and chubby and ugly. I have only learned to like it after I had lost and regained 20 kg. It is strong now and it gets me places. Yet I still try to flatten my chest.
And then I remember: The first time I had a crisis about my gender was when I was at my lowest weight, when I was 18, weighing as much as I did when I was 10. So maybe weight is not the key issue here.

And then it’s okay again. Then I think: Lose weight, and then you’ll feel good. Lose weight, become more confident, and you’ll be fine. My sexuality and attraction to women gives me strength and makes me feel like I could take it this way. 

I am writing this at a moment were I feel like I can take it for a while, where I am not as desperate for transitioning. 
Now it is just weird because I have not shown typically masculine behaviour so far (not feminine behaviour either) ((maybe I really actually am agender, but do I want to identify that way?)) – but that was due to bullying, shyness, depression, social anxiety, an emotionally cold and slow father and not very emotionally supportive parents (except for money) growing up. 

And just the FEAR, the fear of not being good, not being perfect, that has always stopped me from doing things entirely because I was so scared to fail.

In short: I I could snap my fingers and transition to male, I would, without a shadow of doubt. If I knew everyone would accept me (especially my father), I would not think twice. EDIT, 3 weeks later: Now I think I can take it, just loose weight, wear a binder maybe. Have a relationship with a girl (woman). Be more confident, focussed, outspoken, just better in other ways. Maybe I should not overthink this. I can take it right now.

Feminine Socialization Includes:

respectthefemalebody:

  • Growing up with period stigma enacted on your own body, internalizing a cultural belief that periods make women irrational and illogical and are physical proof of our inferiority.
  • Having to walk a tightrope between being a “slut” or a “prude” while the boys around you are all watching porn and openly discussing what they want to do to female bodies. Knowing that you have to accept the painful things that boys want to do to your body or else you’re a “boring vanilla prude” who is “closed minded” and nobody will like you.
  • Being told that boys who bully us in the school yard are mean to us because they like us, having the boys get away with teasing us, being blamed for the boys’ behavior towards us, learning that we need to take responsibility for the way boys treat us.
  • Knowing that if a boy dislikes you for any reason he could label you a “bitch” and get everyone to turn on you because people will always trust his word over yours, so you grow up being extra nice to boys to make sure they won’t call you a bitch.
  • Watching every woman in media wear makeup when men don’t, ever since childhood, and internalizing that women need makeup to be professional or presentable in public, but men don’t. Knowing that this skill is required for you to learn in order to have a social network. Eventually apologizing for when people see you without makeup.
  • Being given dolls to play with, toy kitchen sets, and taught to emulate being a mommy ever since childhood. Growing up with the assumption that marrying a man and having babies is inevitable and you need to start preparing for it immediately.
  • The people around you viewing women who get abortions as murderers, so you grow up thinking that no matter what, if you get pregnant, you’ll have the baby, because you don’t want to be a Bad Person so you grow up already accepting that you don’t get to control your own experience in your own body and forced pregnancy is just something you’ll have to get through at some point.
  • Constantly being told that marriage is the happiest day of a woman’s life, while at the same time the men around you have an attitude of marriage being “game over” so you know you have to work extra hard to please the man in order to make sure you get that promise of happily ever after that Disney sold you.
  • Growing up with religions worshiping father gods, with the power of creation attributed to that father god, and feeling disconnected from your own control over your body, as if this father god could make you pregnant and you’d just have to go along with it to be a good person. Knowing that what you want for your own body doesn’t matter.
  • Doing more chores than your brothers, especially around the holidays, when they get to sit around and relax with the men but all the women have to work in the kitchen to cook and clean both before and after the meal. Learning to clean up after men.

Being told that you can’t lift that thing, run as fast as any guy around, wouldn’t understand technology (so noone teaches you how to understand it or do the other things), or having your shyness and social anxiety praised as virtue. Mocking loud girls but accepting that behaviour in boys as “totally natural”.

And finally internalizing all that shit that is thrown at you until you believe it yourself and have to unlearn it when it almost feels too late.

sunforest:

I kind of like having long hair, wearing dresses and red lipstick. That does not mean that I identify as female.

I love wearing “men’s clothes”, bowties and suits and wish I had a beard and a completely flat chest along with “male” anatomy, but that does not necessarily mean that I identify as male.

I wish I could just be a gender-identity-less someone, but I know people will call me a girl/ woman anyway, which I am incredibly uncomfortable with.

So now, a year later, I have short hair, can’t even stand being in a dress when no-one is around, hate lipstick, don’t wear any kind of make up ever, abandoned the bowties, wear mostly clothes from the men’s section, confuse people about my gender and want nothing more than to be perceived as male (or live in a completely genderless society, but well…).

I’d call that character development, but the crisis is so far from over… I feel like it has all just begun.

I kind of like having long hair, wearing dresses and red lipstick. That does not mean that I identify as female.

I love wearing “men’s clothes”, bowties and suits and wish I had a beard and a completely flat chest along with “male” anatomy, but that does not necessarily mean that I identify as male.

I wish I could just be a gender-identity-less someone, but I know people will call me a girl/ woman anyway, which I am incredibly uncomfortable with.