There are times, days when I feel like I can’t go on, when I feel like I need top surgery and hormones NOW and I’m losing time and nothing will ever be good until then.
There are days when I feel like I can take it.
There are days when I feel like I don’t want to try anymore and put on one of my two “feminine” tops.

There are days when I think it`s okay.

All those days happen in a cycle.
The dissatisfaction is always there, and sometimes I can deal with it a bit better.

I ’ve been asking myself: “Am I trans??” since I know that transmasculine people exist (which was only 4 years ago). I have been using they/them pronouns online for 5 years. It’s said that if you spend so much time questioning if you are trans you most likely are.
And I KNOW I am not, never a cis girl. I have never felt good about being a girl, or a woman.
But am I actually guy then?? Half of the time I think “YES and life would be so much better presenting as one!” The other half of the time I think “maybe I am just agender, maybe I am genderfluid, maybe I can stay closeted that way”. Occasionally it’s “Maybe gender is simply not important to me, maybe I just don`t conform.”

I’ve been avoiding German pronouns for ages. I’ve used a chosen name online (which feels good), I have used he pronouns online. It feels good, Sometimes I feel like this is who I am supposed to be.
But then in summer when it’s hot (I don’t handle heat well) I so often get tired of trying. I have never owned a binder and my chest is too big: not even two sports bras flatten it. Not wearing at least two bras of some sort is not an option, I get nauseous from the dysphoria (?).

But then I wonder: Is it actually dysphoria? Or is it body dysmorphia??
I have hated my body ever since I can remember, thinking I was fat and chubby and ugly. I have only learned to like it after I had lost and regained 20 kg. It is strong now and it gets me places. Yet I still try to flatten my chest.
And then I remember: The first time I had a crisis about my gender was when I was at my lowest weight, when I was 18, weighing as much as I did when I was 10. So maybe weight is not the key issue here.

And then it’s okay again. Then I think: Lose weight, and then you’ll feel good. Lose weight, become more confident, and you’ll be fine. My sexuality and attraction to women gives me strength and makes me feel like I could take it this way. 

I am writing this at a moment were I feel like I can take it for a while, where I am not as desperate for transitioning. 
Now it is just weird because I have not shown typically masculine behaviour so far (not feminine behaviour either) ((maybe I really actually am agender, but do I want to identify that way?)) – but that was due to bullying, shyness, depression, social anxiety, an emotionally cold and slow father and not very emotionally supportive parents (except for money) growing up. 

And just the FEAR, the fear of not being good, not being perfect, that has always stopped me from doing things entirely because I was so scared to fail.

In short: I I could snap my fingers and transition to male, I would, without a shadow of doubt. If I knew everyone would accept me (especially my father), I would not think twice. EDIT, 3 weeks later: Now I think I can take it, just loose weight, wear a binder maybe. Have a relationship with a girl (woman). Be more confident, focussed, outspoken, just better in other ways. Maybe I should not overthink this. I can take it right now.