Recent adventures in: Am I crushing or not?
Featuring me trying to switch the attraction off, which (surprise!) doesn’t work like that.
Starring my annoying thoughts of “This would not ever work”, “But I like her so much!!”, “She won’t ever think that about you, you’re so boring”, “Fuck you” and “Ughh, but I do still like her”
to be continued in some way…
I am crushing on my Chemistry tutor and that’s weird considering it has only been four years since I told my friends how I thought I was a lesbian. Even though since then, I have come to the realization (multiple times actually) that I am bi (/pan/ whatever-ace, detailed labels are not not my thing), it’s still strange to acknowledge that. And of course it’s not that I am now only attracted to men! (or whatever). Hopefully, my flatmates – who I am not out to (although they should know that in theory (and in the past) I like(d) girls) – won’t think so! But I guess me crushing on a guy slightly older than me very much fits with their perception of me, which is similar to how I used to think of myself when I was fourteen.
And he is “my type” if I ever had one: a chemist, long dark hair kept in a halfway done ponytail, glasses and a beard, septum piercing, shirts of relatively old post hardcore bands, not much taller than me, slim (as in not broad or overly muscular) and a voice that I would listen to for hours on end. Also he is diligent, soft spoken and confident with a calming sense of humor, willing to put so much effort into his studies and us learning (so much!). And he has laughed at what I said and has acknowledged my contributions. I feel like he values us and his work a lot. Also, he was so sorry for not having time to answer our questions the afternoon before the exam because he had made plans to go to an otter information centre (a collective “awwwww” was heard from the audience). And now I don’t know what to do about this situation. He will give another tutorial next semester, but I might be studying at a different university by then.
Soooo, what else is new? Apparently I’m into geology and chemistry now, also statistics. And I wish to be a tutor for statistics or (theoretical!) chemistry or physics at some point in the future.
There is this girl and I think I’m crushing on her. I’ve thought about it for a couple of weeks and the attraction has always been there after I had discovered that she is really, REALLY adorable because she is funny, kind, pretty, unexpectedly deep, interested in what the other (meaning me) has to say and a bit awkward and confused in the same social situations that I have my problems with, too.
I got to sit next to her today and while we were talking about formulas, I felt my stomach tingle and it didn’t stop until long after the lesson and I catch myself staring at her, daydreaming, and grinning to myself all the time.
It makes me happy because she might be my first real & healthy crush, but at the same time, all of this is really confusing.
Okay, so … there’s this guy.
Except I don’t do this kind of stuff.
But he’s … interesting to say the least.
Actually, it’s all I can say, since I barely even know him at all.
I don’t develop curiosity for people. I certainly don’t crush on them.
Especially not on boys.
Ugh, this is so confusing.
The Light in the Sky 